Beware, this gets personal...so please don't take offense.
Im mad. Im mad because I want Mylee to have a sibling. Im mad because we lost our 2nd baby after being pregnant for 2 months. Im mad at myself for keeping this in for the past few months.Im mad that it happened to us..all 3 of us. Im mad that people take full advantage of the fact that they can pop out babies, babies they could really care less if they had. Im mad because we are ready, we are ready to shower a new baby with love and hugs, slobbery kisses from Mylee, and most of all a family who has our arms wide open. Im mad that we had 2 months of happiness, then had it ripped away from us with a toilet full of blood (sorry, I warned you). Im mad that I had to scoop a fetus from the toilet. Im mad because I havent been a good friend to my friends who are expecting, because Im being selfish and emotional and well, mad. Im mad for thinking life would be so easy, not full of heartbreak and sadness. Im mad that my body let me down. Im mad when I see people openly giving away their children because they "cant care for them"...I CAN CARE FOR THEM- So why can't I?? We can financially support a new baby, emotionally support a new baby, physically support a new baby..but we have not been given the chance. Im mad because we deserve another baby.
wow. That felt good to write.
Perhaps I need to stop being mad. Perhaps I need to be grateful for all the blessings that I do have. I have Mylee. I have a baby. Some people dont even get the chance to have that ONE child that they long for..but I do.We do. Once you loose a baby it really makes you realize what a true miracle it is to make it full term with a healthy baby. It takes everything to go perfectly smooth, every cell to form correctly, every vessel to fill with blood, every nourishment to reach their little bodies in order to produce a baby! Thank god that I have Mylee. Thank god that I have Weston. Thank god I have a family who understood our sadness. Thank god I had friends that called and text me when they knew I was grieving and that I wouldn't respond, yet were not offended. Thank god, that the 3 of us are healthy, and hopefully someday will be able to give Miss Mylee a sibling.
So...now Im thankful.
But why? I keep asking myself "why not us?" Why can't we be the happy expecting family? Why is this hard for us? Why?!Why!? Why!?!?
Well, because this must be part of our bigger plan.